I use to force myself into doing things I was scared of doing like swimming farther out in the ocean or striking up a conversation with a new person at church (love people, hate small talk) because I didn't like the feeling of fear. I guess SOMD is one of those moments. It's a new chapter, a new season or whatever you want to call it; it's still new. It's the unknown and that can both exciting and unnerving
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I've never done an SOMD but I now find myself staffing one. I've convinced myself I'll be ok and that I know what I'm doing but the truth is I don't. That's a good thing. It leaves plenty of room-- and I mean plenty-- for God to really step in and make a miracle out of me. One of the coolest things from the DTS I staffed last year was seeing God use me to do things and say things that were so clearly the direct result of him working through me. I didn't know what to say when people came to me telling me their life's trauma that I had never experienced and I definitely didn't know what to do when our van broke down one frigid morning while on outreach in New Zealand (turns out through God you can be a grand optimist). It's a special grace, an anointing that allows you to be equipped for whatever task he's called you to and for now SOMD is just that. I've been praying that a lot lately. Praying to remind myself that through him I am more than capable to do anything he has called me to do.
Like I said, SOMD is new which means tons of new people. New people means new challenges and I love it. I can already feel people pulling up certain parts of me that I didn't even know I had. When you staff it is like people are begging you to look more like Jesus and it's not a bad thing. You train leaders who often end up training you. People watch you and you end up having to watch yourself. I apologize already. I already know I've said a couple things that weren't exactly loving and as soon as I said them I knew it. I forget that my words and the rest of the SOMD staff team's sets the tone-- and we want to set a good one.
I'm praying that in this school I learn to balance it all. To not fold under pressure and to minimize the breakdowns due to being overwhelmed. (Is it really possible to be underwhelmed???) I want to walk in glorious peace and leave space for my students to do so as well.
The students. They are so kind and quirky. They let you breathe; you never feel like you have to be someone else because they are too busy being themselves to force you into putting up a front. They shared their testimonies this week. They are open and honest and it is a privilege to be able to hear their hearts. I've fallen in love with their stories and am honored to be a part of them for a little while longer.
It's really hard to pin point what God has done in my life this week except maybe building an anticipation. It's like I've been handed a plane ticket to a country I've never been to before, but I'm ready to explore and to adventure despite knowing what it's really going to look like. And all I can really do is reassure myself that it's going to be the trip of a lifetime and that I'm really going to love it.
- Abby
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