Chapter 4: Camp so Hard

I, Abigail Eastman have survived camping.

Still in shock. Still picking out little thistles and sticks from my clothes. Still tired from a weekend of constant people (love them to pieces by the way but for me being with big groups can sometimes be overwhelming).

Above everything, I am incredibly glad that I went. I don't think I will ever willingly go camping-- actually I know I never will-- but I am pretty thankful for the memories and unity that comes from it.

When you're out of your natural habitat everything becomes more uncomfortable. Current problems seem heightened and new problems leave you at a state of "I just can't even." It's a place where you're constantly being pushed and it's gloriously healing. I once told my friend that there was a whole world outside of her comfort zone and that she needed to go and find it. Just think about all the places, people and experiences we would never even have had any concept of if we just stayed in places we thought were safe. I for one would still be in Canada hiding beneath my sheets with the same friends (love em to bits btw) as I have always had. I wouldn't have rode in the back of a truck through Thailand under full starry skies or dug my toes in the  warm sands of the lively beaches of Hawaii. I wouldn't have found out just how great a life with Jesus was at the time I did. I wouldn't have been the person I am today. Without camping I wouldn't have gotten to know my students deeper or experience them learning to love each other, creating more family than friendship. Kenny Peavy spoke about it in the first week: that we are so privileged to be in the room with such all stars. I have always looked around our classroom and seen such a depth to every single one of them. I'm happy I went because I got to see a little deeper into the lives of the dreamers and leaders that had surround me for the past month.

I felt so challenged to look past my human instincts-- my short patience and my want to withdraw from "too much" social interaction-- and learn to look at my SOMD family exactly as God sees them: as superstars, great leaders, sons and daughters. I was challenged to find the gold in things I didn't necessarily love (ex. Hiking. Hiking is not fun but people are fun when you hike with them). I was challenged to to live fully in the truth that God is my protector (ex. There was a bear who constantly decided to visit our campground in the middle of the night!) I was on edge in so many ways. Not a bad thing by the way. I'm sure the view is prettier on the edge then staying way far back in the comfort zone.

I was never able to say the word love before. Like I could say it but I questioned what it really meant. I knew the weight and the responsibility that came when you loved someone and in some sense I never wanted to say it to people because I was afraid to commit or I was afraid I could never live up to the expectation love held. Love calls us higher and forces us to treat others as if they were the most special person in the world. It's changed since I let Jesus love me. I tell it constantly to my friends and family and I don't put a time limit on how long it takes for me to know someone in order to love them. I still won't really tell people that I love them without truly meaning it because when I love I love deeply. It's hard to explain  because I know we are called to love everyone and I understand that. But I think love will always be deeper and more tangible when you know the person for who they were created to be. I think there's a difference with loving someone and falling in love with someone, and not even in a romantic sense. When you fall, you fall for their character and for who they are. I fell for my family and my friends and I think I'm falling for this SOMD. I'm thankful that this weekend gave me the chance to see people and their hearts a bit better. Such a place to grow, and such a people to grow with.

- Abby

Chapter 2: So If The Son Sets You free, You Will Be Free Indeed

I feel free. Like I can breathe clearer and my mind isn't a constant mess. It's like the world has become that much more full of life. I'm sure if you stared into my eyes, flames would be staring right back.

This. This is what life feel like when you let the Holy Spirit consume you. We had Kenny Peavy speak in our school this week. He spoke truth after truth about what it means to know who you are and to lead out of that place. It wasn't even what he said that amazed me, but more of how he carried himself. When you walk knowing you are loved child of God, you literally invite everyone around you into doing the exact same thing.

I am passionate about people remembering who they are. I had this revelation a couple weeks ago that people didn't need to be given identity, they just needed to rediscover it. It's buried beneath our lies and sin and it's begging to be known. It was given to us long before we were born. It is familiar and always feels right.

As we prayed and worshiped this week with Kenny, I saw so many of our students walk a bit more in who they were. I love watching people worship. I love when you see that switch of nervousness and caution turn into letting go. Finally not caring what anyone thinks about them, they just shake off the fear of man and begin worshiping whole heartedly.

The connection of fear of man to identity is astounding. There have been countless times-- and there still is-- where I wouldn't say something or wouldn't do something because I'd either be straight up afraid or subconsciously afraid of what others would think. It's stopped me from doing things I love like singing in front of others and has even effected small things like from wearing an outfit I liked but was afraid it wasn't actually stylish. It's insane how much we care without even realizing it and how we drag down the ones who don't. Literally. We judge the people who seem "weird" and are shocked and appalled at the people who say something taboo when everyone else is secretly thinking it anyway. I don't want that in my life. I want freedom.

It's really such an awesome thing when you can feel the Holy Spirit take you to this place of freedom where you don't care. It can change everything. I pray for me and the students this quarter to have that. This culture of not caring and not caring that others are not caring (I don't even know if that makes sense) I really do believe it can start with worshiping freely. I think the Lord really honors that. Well at least I've felt that in my own life and more than anything I hope everyone else can feel it too.

- Abby

Chapter 1: SOMD Intros and First Reflections

And just like that, the first week of SOMD  has already come to a close.

I use to force myself into doing things I was scared of doing like swimming farther out in the ocean or striking up a conversation with a new person at church (love people, hate small talk) because I didn't like the feeling of fear. I guess SOMD is one of those moments. It's a new chapter, a new season or whatever you want to call it; it's still new. It's the unknown and that can both exciting and unnerving
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I've never done an SOMD but I now find myself staffing one. I've convinced myself I'll be ok and that I know what I'm doing but the truth is I don't. That's a good thing. It leaves plenty of room-- and I mean plenty-- for God to really step in and make a miracle out of me. One of the coolest things from the DTS I staffed last year was seeing God use me to do things and say things that were so clearly the direct result of him working through me. I didn't know what to say when people came to me telling me their life's trauma that I had never experienced and I definitely didn't know what to do when our van broke down one frigid morning while on outreach in New Zealand (turns out through God you can be a grand optimist).  It's a special grace, an anointing that allows you to be equipped for whatever task he's called you to and for now SOMD is just that. I've been praying that a lot lately. Praying to remind myself that through him I am more than capable to do anything he has called me to do.

Like I said, SOMD is new which means tons of new people. New people means new challenges and I love it. I can already feel people pulling up certain parts of me that I didn't even know I had. When you staff it is like people are begging you to look more like Jesus and it's not a bad thing. You train leaders who often end up training you. People watch you and you end up having to watch yourself. I apologize already. I already know I've said a couple things that weren't exactly loving and as soon as I said them I knew it. I forget that my words and the rest of the SOMD staff team's sets the tone-- and we want to set a good one.

I'm praying that in this school I learn to balance it all. To not fold under pressure and to minimize the breakdowns due to being overwhelmed. (Is it really possible to be underwhelmed???) I want to walk in glorious peace and leave space for my students to do so as well.

The students. They are so kind and quirky. They let you breathe; you never feel like you have to be someone else because they are too busy being themselves to force you into putting up a front. They shared their testimonies this week. They are open and honest and it is a privilege to be able to hear their hearts. I've fallen in love with their stories and am honored to be a part of them for a little while longer.

It's really hard to pin point what God has done in my life this week except maybe building an anticipation. It's like I've been handed a plane ticket to a country I've never been to before, but I'm ready to explore and to adventure despite knowing what it's really going to look like. And all I can really do is reassure myself  that it's going to be the trip of a lifetime and that I'm really going to love it.

- Abby