I have been in and out of YWAM for the past three years. Missions in a sense is all I've known in my adult life. I have spent hours on planes and sipped coffee in 3 different continents. I have made friends who speak different languages and have seen mountains that touch the clouds.
My life hasn't been boring, it's been the opposite.
We had Jeremy speak this week in our school. I love they way he looked at life. They way he challenged us to think differently. It's so important to constantly be challenging our opinions and he definitely challenged mine.
He spoke about how today's age appreciates experience over knowledge. My head nodding in agreement, I knew he was right. I've always been envious of my friends back home who were on the path of North American normality: they were in school learning. To me their life sounded like a dream. Routine and security is something you don't always feel you have when you live the somewhat free spirited life of a ywam missionary. That being said, it always shocked me when people back home pressed me for stories about what I had experienced when I was away. My normal life of travel was something people found fascinating. They valued my experience.
Experience. That's what worries me now. That's what scares me about going home. I'm afraid I will lose the sense of wonder and adventure I have felt while in missions. This feeling that the world is big and it is begging me to find out just how big it is. I will miss the joy of diving into different cultures and living in community with my friends always around me. I want to continue the experiences that everyone else craves.
It hit me that part of my identity was in the adventure. The girl who did what wasn't normal. It feels like I won't have that anymore. I'll be back at home living what could seem like a conventional life. Why does it make me nervous?
I've been praying a lot lately for the future because it is so fast approaching. I have learned that I need to trust God. I need to trust that he has seen my heart and that he sees my crazy dreams and that he too wants them to come true. He sees this girl who loves to push social norms and I think that he is proud of her. He doesn't want my time in YWAM to be the best times of my life. He wants me to be happy with being in his will. I have to get over this mindset that the adventure is over, that the experience is over. For I am convinced that God is kind-- and that his kindness has a plan.
For now I still feel nervous about leaving but at least I know the truth. At least I know that God has my plans in his hands even if right now I don't really FEEL like he does. And for this reason right now in my life, I am valuing what seems like its the knowledge of knowing He has my back completely rather than the experience of feeling like he doesn't.
- Abby
