Push Through, Push Through

There are a lot of things I don't really enjoy doing. Being deep in nature, like I've mentioned before, is one, also maybe doing push ups. I love this school because it has challenged me to do things I don't find easy. I know it sounds like I'm trying to justify a bad attitude and point out the negative but I like to look at it as simply places and spaces in my life that I really need God to fill because we all have those. I lack patience in so many areas of my life and to be honest I think it's something God is always going to continue to work through in me. I believe in complete healing one hundred percent, but I also believe that God works though our flaws. That he works through the things we struggle with so that we can graciously still choose him.

Anyway, back to patience. I am finding it incredibly hard to sit and read the bible through. It is a constant struggle to pay attention especially in big groups. I wish I could tell you that I love it and that I am getting so much revelation from reading it through, but I'm not. I am struggling to find deep insight in verses like some of my fellow SOMDers, let alone even catch what we are reading most of the time. It has been frustrating and a constant battle to just pay attention and stay focused these past couple weeks.

I have been out of a traditional school for the past 3 years and sitting here writing has reminded me so much of how I learned. I struggled often with paying attention in school and would instead take time studying by myself at home using my notes. To be honest during the times that I did pay attention it was during lessons that I found incredibly interesting. I love to learn. I want to learn always. I love Wikipedia-- how could I not? So why I am struggling so much paying attention while our class reads? I got  angry with myself  a lot this week while we read. I caught myself wishing that our reading times would end. My conscious telling me that it was good and wholesome and that reading the bible could never really have negative repercussions, but my body telling me that it was just about done sitting in one spot and needed to go do something else before it went crazy. No one wants to admit that they aren't enjoying reading the bible. No one wants to admit that they struggle loving to read the literal living breathing words from God the creator, but I am right now. I have hope for me though.

In Kona, we had to pray almost every day for at least two hours and let me tell you at the start it wasn't exactly my favorite thing. For weeks I found it hard to pray for long periods of time and to even pay attention to what people were saying. I was always in awe of people that could pray for long periods of time and actually look like they enjoyed it, what the heck. Everyday I would go faithfully to our prayer and worship times, and every time I would leave wondering why I could never stay engaged. For weeks that went on. Then out of the blue something changed. I couldn't even tell you when. Almost two and a half months into my school without even realizing it at first, I started to really engage. I would walk away thinking "wow that was a really good prayer time" and it hit me that in order to deem it a 'good time' I definitely would have to be paying attention. I not only started paying attention but was sad when I was no longer doing the program that required us to participate in the prayer times. I left with a huge heart for intersession and a new view of the importance of it. Something about pushing through and fighting against impatience somehow changes your heart. God sees my heart and my willingness, I'm pretty sure. So yeah I'm just out here trying to stay positive as per usual. I have hope that by the end of this school I'll be able to pay attention in a group reading and I will continue to maintain that one verse at a time.

- Abby

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8: 24-25