Experience Over Experience

This all feels a bit random. The lessons I have learned lately seem to be from all outside the classroom. Mostly I think because my mind has been constantly prepping myself for a life outside of YWAM; a life back home. But this week has been a combination of both.

I have been in and out of YWAM for the past three years. Missions in a sense is all I've known in my adult life. I have spent hours on planes and sipped coffee in 3 different continents. I have made friends who speak different languages and have seen mountains that touch the clouds.
My life hasn't been boring, it's been the opposite.

We had Jeremy speak this week in our school. I love they way he looked at life. They way he challenged us to think differently. It's so important to constantly be challenging our opinions and he definitely challenged mine.

He spoke about how today's age appreciates experience over knowledge. My head nodding in agreement, I knew he was right. I've always been envious of my friends back home who were on the path of North American normality: they were in school learning. To me their life sounded like a dream. Routine and security is something you don't always feel you have when you live the somewhat free spirited life of a ywam missionary. That being said, it always shocked me when people back home pressed me for stories about what I had experienced when I was away. My normal life of travel was something people found fascinating. They valued my experience.

Experience. That's what worries me now. That's what scares me about going home. I'm afraid I will lose the sense of wonder and adventure I have felt while in missions. This feeling that the world is big and it is begging me to find out just how big it is. I will miss the joy of diving into different cultures and living in community with my friends always around me. I want to continue the experiences that everyone else craves.

It hit me that part of my identity was in the adventure. The girl who did what wasn't normal. It feels like I won't have that anymore. I'll be back at home living what could seem like a conventional life. Why does it make me nervous?

I've been praying a lot lately for the future because it is so fast approaching. I have learned that I need to trust God. I need to trust that he has seen my heart and that he sees my crazy dreams and that he too wants them to come true. He sees this girl who loves to push social norms and I think that he is proud of her. He doesn't want my time in YWAM to be the best times of my life. He wants me to be happy with being in his will. I have to get over this mindset that the adventure is over, that the experience is over. For I am convinced that God is kind-- and that  his kindness has a plan.

For now I still feel nervous about leaving but at least I know the truth. At least I know that God has my plans in his hands even if right now I don't really FEEL like he does. And for this reason right now in my life, I am valuing  what seems like its the knowledge of knowing He has my back completely rather than the experience of feeling like he doesn't.

- Abby

Push Through, Push Through

There are a lot of things I don't really enjoy doing. Being deep in nature, like I've mentioned before, is one, also maybe doing push ups. I love this school because it has challenged me to do things I don't find easy. I know it sounds like I'm trying to justify a bad attitude and point out the negative but I like to look at it as simply places and spaces in my life that I really need God to fill because we all have those. I lack patience in so many areas of my life and to be honest I think it's something God is always going to continue to work through in me. I believe in complete healing one hundred percent, but I also believe that God works though our flaws. That he works through the things we struggle with so that we can graciously still choose him.

Anyway, back to patience. I am finding it incredibly hard to sit and read the bible through. It is a constant struggle to pay attention especially in big groups. I wish I could tell you that I love it and that I am getting so much revelation from reading it through, but I'm not. I am struggling to find deep insight in verses like some of my fellow SOMDers, let alone even catch what we are reading most of the time. It has been frustrating and a constant battle to just pay attention and stay focused these past couple weeks.

I have been out of a traditional school for the past 3 years and sitting here writing has reminded me so much of how I learned. I struggled often with paying attention in school and would instead take time studying by myself at home using my notes. To be honest during the times that I did pay attention it was during lessons that I found incredibly interesting. I love to learn. I want to learn always. I love Wikipedia-- how could I not? So why I am struggling so much paying attention while our class reads? I got  angry with myself  a lot this week while we read. I caught myself wishing that our reading times would end. My conscious telling me that it was good and wholesome and that reading the bible could never really have negative repercussions, but my body telling me that it was just about done sitting in one spot and needed to go do something else before it went crazy. No one wants to admit that they aren't enjoying reading the bible. No one wants to admit that they struggle loving to read the literal living breathing words from God the creator, but I am right now. I have hope for me though.

In Kona, we had to pray almost every day for at least two hours and let me tell you at the start it wasn't exactly my favorite thing. For weeks I found it hard to pray for long periods of time and to even pay attention to what people were saying. I was always in awe of people that could pray for long periods of time and actually look like they enjoyed it, what the heck. Everyday I would go faithfully to our prayer and worship times, and every time I would leave wondering why I could never stay engaged. For weeks that went on. Then out of the blue something changed. I couldn't even tell you when. Almost two and a half months into my school without even realizing it at first, I started to really engage. I would walk away thinking "wow that was a really good prayer time" and it hit me that in order to deem it a 'good time' I definitely would have to be paying attention. I not only started paying attention but was sad when I was no longer doing the program that required us to participate in the prayer times. I left with a huge heart for intersession and a new view of the importance of it. Something about pushing through and fighting against impatience somehow changes your heart. God sees my heart and my willingness, I'm pretty sure. So yeah I'm just out here trying to stay positive as per usual. I have hope that by the end of this school I'll be able to pay attention in a group reading and I will continue to maintain that one verse at a time.

- Abby

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8: 24-25

Chapter 4: Camp so Hard

I, Abigail Eastman have survived camping.

Still in shock. Still picking out little thistles and sticks from my clothes. Still tired from a weekend of constant people (love them to pieces by the way but for me being with big groups can sometimes be overwhelming).

Above everything, I am incredibly glad that I went. I don't think I will ever willingly go camping-- actually I know I never will-- but I am pretty thankful for the memories and unity that comes from it.

When you're out of your natural habitat everything becomes more uncomfortable. Current problems seem heightened and new problems leave you at a state of "I just can't even." It's a place where you're constantly being pushed and it's gloriously healing. I once told my friend that there was a whole world outside of her comfort zone and that she needed to go and find it. Just think about all the places, people and experiences we would never even have had any concept of if we just stayed in places we thought were safe. I for one would still be in Canada hiding beneath my sheets with the same friends (love em to bits btw) as I have always had. I wouldn't have rode in the back of a truck through Thailand under full starry skies or dug my toes in the  warm sands of the lively beaches of Hawaii. I wouldn't have found out just how great a life with Jesus was at the time I did. I wouldn't have been the person I am today. Without camping I wouldn't have gotten to know my students deeper or experience them learning to love each other, creating more family than friendship. Kenny Peavy spoke about it in the first week: that we are so privileged to be in the room with such all stars. I have always looked around our classroom and seen such a depth to every single one of them. I'm happy I went because I got to see a little deeper into the lives of the dreamers and leaders that had surround me for the past month.

I felt so challenged to look past my human instincts-- my short patience and my want to withdraw from "too much" social interaction-- and learn to look at my SOMD family exactly as God sees them: as superstars, great leaders, sons and daughters. I was challenged to find the gold in things I didn't necessarily love (ex. Hiking. Hiking is not fun but people are fun when you hike with them). I was challenged to to live fully in the truth that God is my protector (ex. There was a bear who constantly decided to visit our campground in the middle of the night!) I was on edge in so many ways. Not a bad thing by the way. I'm sure the view is prettier on the edge then staying way far back in the comfort zone.

I was never able to say the word love before. Like I could say it but I questioned what it really meant. I knew the weight and the responsibility that came when you loved someone and in some sense I never wanted to say it to people because I was afraid to commit or I was afraid I could never live up to the expectation love held. Love calls us higher and forces us to treat others as if they were the most special person in the world. It's changed since I let Jesus love me. I tell it constantly to my friends and family and I don't put a time limit on how long it takes for me to know someone in order to love them. I still won't really tell people that I love them without truly meaning it because when I love I love deeply. It's hard to explain  because I know we are called to love everyone and I understand that. But I think love will always be deeper and more tangible when you know the person for who they were created to be. I think there's a difference with loving someone and falling in love with someone, and not even in a romantic sense. When you fall, you fall for their character and for who they are. I fell for my family and my friends and I think I'm falling for this SOMD. I'm thankful that this weekend gave me the chance to see people and their hearts a bit better. Such a place to grow, and such a people to grow with.

- Abby

Chapter 2: So If The Son Sets You free, You Will Be Free Indeed

I feel free. Like I can breathe clearer and my mind isn't a constant mess. It's like the world has become that much more full of life. I'm sure if you stared into my eyes, flames would be staring right back.

This. This is what life feel like when you let the Holy Spirit consume you. We had Kenny Peavy speak in our school this week. He spoke truth after truth about what it means to know who you are and to lead out of that place. It wasn't even what he said that amazed me, but more of how he carried himself. When you walk knowing you are loved child of God, you literally invite everyone around you into doing the exact same thing.

I am passionate about people remembering who they are. I had this revelation a couple weeks ago that people didn't need to be given identity, they just needed to rediscover it. It's buried beneath our lies and sin and it's begging to be known. It was given to us long before we were born. It is familiar and always feels right.

As we prayed and worshiped this week with Kenny, I saw so many of our students walk a bit more in who they were. I love watching people worship. I love when you see that switch of nervousness and caution turn into letting go. Finally not caring what anyone thinks about them, they just shake off the fear of man and begin worshiping whole heartedly.

The connection of fear of man to identity is astounding. There have been countless times-- and there still is-- where I wouldn't say something or wouldn't do something because I'd either be straight up afraid or subconsciously afraid of what others would think. It's stopped me from doing things I love like singing in front of others and has even effected small things like from wearing an outfit I liked but was afraid it wasn't actually stylish. It's insane how much we care without even realizing it and how we drag down the ones who don't. Literally. We judge the people who seem "weird" and are shocked and appalled at the people who say something taboo when everyone else is secretly thinking it anyway. I don't want that in my life. I want freedom.

It's really such an awesome thing when you can feel the Holy Spirit take you to this place of freedom where you don't care. It can change everything. I pray for me and the students this quarter to have that. This culture of not caring and not caring that others are not caring (I don't even know if that makes sense) I really do believe it can start with worshiping freely. I think the Lord really honors that. Well at least I've felt that in my own life and more than anything I hope everyone else can feel it too.

- Abby

Chapter 1: SOMD Intros and First Reflections

And just like that, the first week of SOMD  has already come to a close.

I use to force myself into doing things I was scared of doing like swimming farther out in the ocean or striking up a conversation with a new person at church (love people, hate small talk) because I didn't like the feeling of fear. I guess SOMD is one of those moments. It's a new chapter, a new season or whatever you want to call it; it's still new. It's the unknown and that can both exciting and unnerving
.
I've never done an SOMD but I now find myself staffing one. I've convinced myself I'll be ok and that I know what I'm doing but the truth is I don't. That's a good thing. It leaves plenty of room-- and I mean plenty-- for God to really step in and make a miracle out of me. One of the coolest things from the DTS I staffed last year was seeing God use me to do things and say things that were so clearly the direct result of him working through me. I didn't know what to say when people came to me telling me their life's trauma that I had never experienced and I definitely didn't know what to do when our van broke down one frigid morning while on outreach in New Zealand (turns out through God you can be a grand optimist).  It's a special grace, an anointing that allows you to be equipped for whatever task he's called you to and for now SOMD is just that. I've been praying that a lot lately. Praying to remind myself that through him I am more than capable to do anything he has called me to do.

Like I said, SOMD is new which means tons of new people. New people means new challenges and I love it. I can already feel people pulling up certain parts of me that I didn't even know I had. When you staff it is like people are begging you to look more like Jesus and it's not a bad thing. You train leaders who often end up training you. People watch you and you end up having to watch yourself. I apologize already. I already know I've said a couple things that weren't exactly loving and as soon as I said them I knew it. I forget that my words and the rest of the SOMD staff team's sets the tone-- and we want to set a good one.

I'm praying that in this school I learn to balance it all. To not fold under pressure and to minimize the breakdowns due to being overwhelmed. (Is it really possible to be underwhelmed???) I want to walk in glorious peace and leave space for my students to do so as well.

The students. They are so kind and quirky. They let you breathe; you never feel like you have to be someone else because they are too busy being themselves to force you into putting up a front. They shared their testimonies this week. They are open and honest and it is a privilege to be able to hear their hearts. I've fallen in love with their stories and am honored to be a part of them for a little while longer.

It's really hard to pin point what God has done in my life this week except maybe building an anticipation. It's like I've been handed a plane ticket to a country I've never been to before, but I'm ready to explore and to adventure despite knowing what it's really going to look like. And all I can really do is reassure myself  that it's going to be the trip of a lifetime and that I'm really going to love it.

- Abby

The School Has Begun

WHEN IN DOUBT TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER

The AWAKEN girls go for Pizza

One thing that always stuck with me at the end of my DTS was something my beautiful Norwegian friend Malin said while standing in front of our bright eyed graduating class:

"If God the creator of the universe created time, then why do I even worry about never having enough of it?"

This spoke straight to my heart. Why? Because like her and so many others I sometimes let the busyness of life keep me at a constant state of frantic. I don't have time to be frantic, I want to enjoy all the little things, especially now that the DTS has begun!

Ohana Court first day

worship and prayer with Isaac and Rosie

We are now two weeks into the AWAKEN April DTS here at YWAM Kona. I'm pinching myself. It's finally here.

I Abby Eastman from Canada has officially begun the process of staffing a DTS. WOOTWOOT. I'm taking it all in, one deja vu at a time. So many moments have passed where I realize that I am going though the process of DTS again but this time with a totally different perspective. I am here to mentor but at the same time to learn. I really can't imagine not learning especially now that I have 35 new faces surrounding me, all with eager hearts to learn and share. I can't stop smiling when I speak to any of the 35 students in the April AWAKEN school, simply because I know that they are going to be so changed when these 6 months are over. They already are changing -- everyday, and I am blessed to be able to walk along side them as they do.

My amazing student Sarah has been filming a video for our school each week so here's both week 1 and week 2. Watch em. She is so talented, plus her videos do a waaay better job of depicting what a DTS actually looks like. I could sit here trying to put my thoughts into words for hours attempting to give you a fragment of what it's like here in Kona, but a visual will speak volumes louder.

Oh and my lovely student Morgan Wright took these picture.


Until next time

Abby

"Say yes and you'll figure it out afterwards"

- Tina Fey

Song of the week: Josh Garrels - Heaven's Knife

This One Is For Victoria

I LOVE HIS PRESENCE 

Praying for Latin America during one of the prayer
sets. I want to go so badly

Well here's to the very long overdue blogpost.

I am sorry as per usual. I cannot stress enough how crazy and hectic and wild and wonderful life seems to have been. I have failed at recognising that time management is a priority but from now on I will try my best (I think you will find me glued to my computer screen often)

These past two weeks have been wild. I'm 95% sure I say that every week but it's true! If you are reading this then I once again extend an open invitation to come visit me in Hawaii so you can really know what I am talking about.

My bestfriends......

Farm News: Well yeah the farm hasn't changed much. It's the usual daily grind. Everyday I go home with an excessive amount of dirt on my skin but I don't mind. I really do enjoy the people I work with. And as much as I don't like animals the newborn lambs are pretty cute. I'm also just so amazed at what the people at the farm do. They develop new ways to appropriately help eliminate poverty. Self sustaining vegetation systems and crops that are easy to grow but also have supple amounts of nutrients are what I deal with on a daily basis.Once a week we have a video and discussion on world poverty at the farm and it's always enjoyable and insightful. I planted a couple trees, harvested onions that we use in the cafeteria, and mixed compost (aka cockroach kingdom ewwww) all in the course of two weeks...maybe three. Oh I definitely need to update more.

I adore Firestarters.
One of the fun things we do during the program is crafts!

Awaken News: I love the people I will be staffing with in April. The school is fast fast fast approaching and it doesn't feel real. The plan is to set the family/ kingdom culture before the students arrive so that the school will reflect it's leadership. We want to be a family now so that our school will be a family when it starts. We meet twice a week together just to hang out, discuss what's to come and hear awesome speakers teach on leadership all in the name of team bonding and I love it. Every time we get together I get this sense that this DTS will be special. A good chunk of us are first time DTS staff which adds this excitement of the unknown to our team. I haven't found out where I am leading an outreach team to or even where we are going. I do know that I will know very soon though, not that I can share on this blog -- potential students could be reading. Speaking of: if you are currently kind of lost in life and don't know what to do then please join me here in Kona in April. You won't regret it. DTS is life changing. 

Other News: Hmm I led Firestarters a week ago? Firestarters is the children's ministry that runs during Thursday night base meetings so that parents who have young kids can attend the meeting without worrying about tantrums and runny noses. It was fun. No children were hurt and I was blessed by their smiles and sheer wit. 

Until next time

-Abby

"You can try and take us but we're the gladiators...and victory's contagious"

- Lorde

Song of the Week: Good Good Father - HOUSEFIRES